Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and the Parallel Political Universe Postulate

Yesterday, during a live CNN convention floor interview, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, DNC Chairwoman, asserted that there had been no discord on the floor over the God and Jerusalem language MIA in the Democrat’s 2012 platform statement. After said assertion by Ms. DWS, CNN’s Anderson Cooper (beginning at 3:55 in the clip) commented, “That’s an alternate universe.”

Mr. Cooper’s description of DWS as living in an “alternate universe” is, I must point out, merely an application of PPUP, the “Parallel Political Universe Postulate.” I claim authorship of this description of political discourse, and offer as proof the following letter which I sent to a number of conservative pundits back in May of 2004. At that time, the mutually exclusive opinions regarding one Mr. Ahmed Chalabi held by the Defense Department, on the one hand, and State/CIA on the other, was the circumstance that led to my formulation of PPUP. Here’s the letter:

Dear __________,

I believe I’ve stumbled upon a political theory of fundamental import as described below:

There has been little ink and few electrons spared over the last several days regarding L’affaire Chalabi. Having read opinions from opposite sides of the issue, one wonders whether or not these differing accounts are of events on the same planet. Descriptions of Ahmed, his activities, loyalties and history are so dramatically different that they must be mutually exclusive. This does, at first, seem self-evident to the casual observer. However, upon closer consideration of this and other events extant within the body politic, I have reached a radically different conclusion. Both descriptions are true. “How is this possible?”, you ask. My response is that the parsing of politics demands the inclusion of the parallel universe postulate.

Science fiction has for a long time hypothesized the existence of a parallel universe and String Theory embraces the concept of multiple universes. Modern political discourse has proven to be the incontrovertible evidence supporting these assertions. For how else can one explain the simultaneous existence of such mutually exclusive perceptions within the consciousness of diverse segments of the populace? How can it be that so many persons adamantly believe things that cannot possibly be true? And simultaneously believe that those holding the inverse are either lying, befuddled, epsilon-minuses or members of the competing political party?

For brevity’s sake and for the purpose of being consistent with modern acronymity, let’s agree to use PPUP – Parallel Political Universe Postulate – as our shorthand notation. That’s pronounced “Pee-Pup.” This has the advantage of mnemonically reminding one as to the action one should take when one is suddenly and unexpectedly confronted with a PPUP manifestation. This will not, of course, in any manner whatsoever affect or diminish the ghastly apparition. It will, however, provide comforting relief.

PPUP also has the advantage of affording competing political camps the capacity to live with the beliefs of the other party without their having to logically formulate or justify their opinions. These contradictions are just “True” in the space-time of the alternate universe. Once this concept has been fully integrated into our political discourse, the level of acrimony and name-calling will inevitably and substantially subside.

Not so sure about that last bit. But, at least Mr. Cooper has been kind enough to acknowledge my contribution to political science, albeit unwittingly. Now, if I could only get paid for it. . .


HatTip: HotAir

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